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News: A Sack of Rice fell over

Disclaimer: none of the catastrophies below really happened

Fact: a sack of rice fell over in the Yunnan district, China.

This is how different news media reacted to it:

American News

speaker: "Sources in china reported that a sack of rice has fallen over. We switch over to the white house and our correspondent Jack Rabbit."
Jack: "The White House is in a state of alert, only few minutes ago the President gave a short note to the press..."
President: "We have considered the news from china. And urge the public not to panic, yet."
Jack: "...the President was unavailable for further comments. Reliable sources in the Department of Agriculture report that the government does not yet know how to react."

USA Today: "New York University statistics professor John D. Merit reported that on average 300 purses are stolen each day in the greater state of New York. Read the full report on page 3-5. In other news: a major catastrophy has hit the rice fields In Hunan, China."

Journal of Mathematics: (an article by Chaos Theorist Prof. Martens) "[...]taking the precendence of the recent series of severe storms over Florida, which are speculated to be caused by chinese butterflies, the government should prepare for a major food shortage within the next 12 to 36 months. [...]"

The Inquirer: "Aliens and the chinese government conspired to make sacks of rice fall over. Read full report on page 15."

Asian News

Republic of China Official Newswire: "Reports of a full sack of rice falling over have been greatly exaggerated. It is true though that half a sack of rice fell over. The rice was yet unboiled and the incident will have no negative effect on chinese economy."

Taiwan News: "No Taiwanese citizens hurt in major rice cultivation failure in China. A leading member of the Democratic Progressive Party reportedly said 'This was a catastrophy waiting to happen', the statement was met with criticism from members of all parties."

Japan Nikkai Tribune: "According to sources in Tokio no negative effects of the chinese rice crisis are expected for the whole of Japan. However, major factories of the Japanese textile industry are standing by to produce unfallable sacks should China require them."

India Tribune: "The government decided to tighten border controls on the border to china, since a surge of chinese refugees is expected after the rice incident in Yunnan. The shift of troops has been met with harsh criticism from the governments of Nepal and Pakistan."

European News

Germany, FAZ: "Reports from the chinese province of Yunnan indicate that thousands of chinese citizens have been displaced by the fallover of a sack of rice. The foreign minister immediately offered help to the government of china should it be needed. So far the Red Cross has not been allowed to enter the province in order to help. Diplomatic talks are going on behind closed doors in the Kanzleramt in Berlin."

The London Times: "A sack of rice fell over in China. No Brits hurt."

The Scotsman: "The Scottish Parliament today voted for sending an expert in Scooping-Up to China in order to limit the damage done by the fallen rice."

Great Britain, 'the Sun': "Prince Charles' secret love for rice and how it could ruin Great Britain, read page 7."

France, Le Monde: "While the Prime Minister and the chinese embassador meet over lunch in Paris, specialists and government officials alike assure the people of France, that the French economy will not be significantly affected by the rice incident."

The Financial Times: "Crop market turns problematic." -- "After the incident of the fallen sack of rice in China, the world wide market for crops has suffered significantly. The price for rice has skyrocketed, while the price for barley and rye are expected to stabilize again on the niveau of 1987. Meanwhile the price for asian cotton and whool have plummeted to an all-time low - leading financial experts are speculating that this is the markets retribution for the culprit behind this incident."

'Cooking today' (and other cooking magazines): "1001 rice free recipes."

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